'Twas 13 Days Before Christmas (or...Yes, I have too much free time on my hands)

'Twas 13 days before Christmas, and all through the house,

Not a present was stirring for I was quite soused.

I should have been shopping, but I didn't care,

My friends went out drinking so I said "I'm there."

I had just gotten nestled, all snug in my bed,

Then visions of shopping malls danced through my head.

So there in my boxers, I looked at the time,

And said to myself, "I'll do shopping online."

Could I get it all finished and if so then how?

I then said to myself, "I'll just go do it now."

Away to the laptop I flew like a flash,

I first checked my email and deleted the trash.

I had no intention of watching a show,

But I wandered to YouTube, you know how that goes.

Then what to my wandering eyes should appear,

But a New Friend Request, so I cracked me a beer.

I had to reboot, my laptop isn't quick,

I then realized I was gonna be sick.

More rapid than eagles the sickness it came,

As I threw up, I shouted, and cursed drinks by name;

"Screw you Jagermeister!" "I hate you Tequila!"

I should never have had that sixth margarita.

So I finished with that and walked back down the hall,

Oh who am I kidding, it was more like a crawl.

Now at my laptop I was soon back online,

Not a gift had been purchased…look at the time.

With puke on my breath at a quarter past two,

I was strangely aroused so what should I do?

I thought nothing of peace or of mercy mild,

All I could think of was girls that had gone wild.

As I loaded the site it said website not found,

That's all for the better…Santa's always around.

I find it perplexing that Santa's a voyeur,

If I had the money, I'd hire a lawyer.

A man who's watching since the day I was born,

Should just turn around while I'm looking at porn.

But I quickly digress, so back to the shopping,

I'll check out Amazon, that website is hopping.

There's so much to choose from, the choices aren't clear,

The only clear choice is to have one more beer.

Soon I find things for my nephew and nieces,

I'm sure what I buy will break into pieces.

I look under books and find something for mother,

I finish my beer so I go grab another.

I think one of my sisters would like a new purse,

So I look at the prices then let out a curse.

Checking my balance at wellsfargo.com,

I have to find something much cheaper for mom.

The last gift I get is something for father,

The man has it all so why even bother?

Proceed then to checkout a little more poor,

But you can't drink and shop if you're in a store.

You can shop in your boxers or even the nude,

With no parking hassles you'll be in a good mood.

Stumbling back to my bedroom I yelled down the hall,

"Christmas shopping was easy…with no f'ing mall."

Originally Posted on Myspace

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Shortbread and Catfish

Blog (n)- an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog, Web log

So, that being said, when blogging I have to have something to blog about...something to say. Thank God for Hyde Park. It has been a while since I have drank out on my porch and now I am regretting every sober moment I have spent. For those of you in the 'burbs, you will NEVER experience the randomness that is Hyde Park and I feel sorry for you.

If you attended the only kegger I have thrown since I've lived here, you know that random bastards will walk up to your home, drink your booze and talk to you as if they know you. Let me share with you tonight's latest encounter. This is a special, albeit drunk, entry because I typically do not write about myself or what is going on in my life.

The night started out pretty typical with me cleaning my place in preparation of my cousin's arrival from L.A. on Wednesday. If you know me then you know that cleaning is pretty typical. Anyway, Jeff calls me at 11:00 to inform me that he's coming over. At this point in time I have a buzz, but no cigarettes so I tell him to pick some up and come on over. We end up on the porch with him talking work and me talking about the latest girl problem I am having...you know who you are.

Anyway, you know that feeling you get, and it doesn't matter where you are, when you realize that you are not alone? Well, I got that feeling. Jeff wasn't paying attention, but I could see this figure out of the corner of my eye walking towards me from across Avenue D. Jeff continued talking (about God knows what because at this point I realized the figure is walking right towards me) and I pretended to be interested in what he was saying all the while thinking "Holly shit...did I pay the cable bill?" I quickly realized that it wasn't Grande Communications, but rather a black dude that looked just like Terrence Howard except with mud splattered pants and a visor. He approached us with nothing, but an Old English 40 in a brown paper bag and good conversation. He introduced himself as "Shortbread" and proceeded to tell us that his homeboy had dropped him off across the street and that he was "into Asian chicks." I believe I said something like " I am into all chicks" which seemed like the least cracker thing I could say at the time. Jeff then put in his two cents, but without his expressed written consent I will leave his comments alone.

It is at this point that I must inform you, the reader, that I did not hear him introduce himself as Shortbread. This is important as when I first heard Jeff call him Shortbread I thought I was going to be killed.

Anyway, I don't know how we got on the topic, but Shortbread proceeded to tell us that he is not into black chicks and that he recently had a DNA test from UT that informed him that he is 30% Native American and 90% Mexican. His math facinated me so I continued to dig further. "I'm 100% short" I said, not even warranting a response. He then told us that he was a black panther and that the black panthers are now led by a white man. I then proceeded to bring up Eminem...again, it seemed like the least cracker thing I could do at the time. With that, Shortbread informs us that he is a rapper and that all he needs is his mouth (please pause and do your best beat box). I bring up Tupac, Jeff brings up Bell Biv Devoe and the rap conversation dies.

At this point Jeff , does what every good friend would do when his friend is stuck in the middle of a conversation with a strange black panther...leave. I know that my front door is only two feet away, but that is no consolation knowing how old my house is and that small cats could fit through the cracks around my doorway.

Conversation proceeds and Shortbread tells me how many times he has been shot. I told him that I don't even like giving blood, but that's not the type of shot he was talking about. We start getting real and he says "Promise me...you'll live every day not fearing death." I said, "I have no problem with death...I'm a believer." He retorted, "I'm a Leo." Not shitting you. Even in my drunken state I couldn't make that up.

I would have loved to have carried on this conversation into the wee hours, but without warning he turned to me and said "Where did I put my catfish?" "I'm sorry?" "My catfish...where is it?" I then told him that he walked up to my house with nothing but a bag of booze. He racked his brain for what seemed to be thirty minutes and said " I left it at the studio. I have to go." We hugged it out and he went on his way. Try getting that type of interaction in the 'burbs. I'm never moving.

Originally Posted on Myspace

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Grandma's Boy...or why did I stop smoking weed?

Once in a great while there comes the perfect stoner, and I mean the perfect, stoner movie... Reefer Madness, Up in Smoke, Dude Where's My Car, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, The Notebook... and now Grandma's Boy. Completely mismarketed, this hilarious, crude and at times just plain wrong comedy is a frat boy's dream come true.

Released in January 2005 and produced by Adam Sandler's Happy Madison Productions, Grandma's Boy provides his buddies with an opportunity to be as "Nasty as They Wanna Be." Why this is a Frat boy's dream come true is because the female population has forgotten just how disgusting Adam Sandler is. If you are a guy in you early 30's, chances are you can recite word for word the song "At a Medium Pace" off of Adam Sandler's stellar comedy album "They're All Gonna Laugh At You." 50 First Dates and Big Daddy are for the ladies. Deuce Bigalo and Grandma's Boy remind us guys that Opera Man has not lost touch with what makes us laugh.

Marijuana, monkeys, boobies and sophomoric humor abound in this asinine story of a video game tester that is forced to live with his grandmother when he is evicted due to the fact that his roommate has been spending their rent money on hookers.

Completely wrong, this movie needs to be viewed by all single men in their 30's. Not because it's great and not because it's influential, but because we have testicles. We need movies like this just like women need Lifetime movies entitled "Human Trafficking." There are no movies left that men can quote without women knowing exactly which movie they are reciting. Example...Swingers...a movie made for men. Try saying "You are so money and don't even know it" without a chick knowing exactly what movie you are quoting. The Wedding Crashers, The 40 Year Old Virgin, Old School....all of these movies are made for men, but have been viewed and quoted by far too many women. Meanwhile, they have hundreds of movies that they can talk about without us having a clue. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?" Hello...

Men Unite!!! Place a 100 yard estrogen restraining order in effect and watch this funny, testosterone filled movie in the privacy of your own home...before football season starts and your chick pretends to be interested in football just to know exactly what you're up to.

Originally Posted on Myspace

Friday, August 25, 2006

Arizona Woman Gets 70 Speeding Tickets

Francesca Cisneros, a 32-year-old mortage broker in Scottsdale, Arizona, has set a new record for speeding tickets with the Scottsdale Police Department by acquiring 70 of them...in the past five months.

Between March 2 and July 31 Ms. Cisneros received 70 speeding tickets in her (are you ready for this) Honda Civic. I equate fulfulling the need for speed in a Honda Civic to building a Time Machine out of a Delorean. It just doesn't make sense. I can only assume that she was under the impression that once she hit 88mph that she was going to see some serious shit.

I can't for the life of me however, figure out what the Scottsdale Police Department was thinking. They have to check license and registration or they never would have known that Ms. Cisneros had accrued 70 tickets. So how does an officer pull her over, run her records, give her a ticket, say "Now you be careful out there" and then allow her to speed off like Cruella De Vil heading to a coat sale? You know she's just going to speed again. Telling her to "be careful out there" is like placing a young actress in front of Wilmer Valderrama and saying "Now, don't screw her." It's NOT going to happen.

Her top excuse to officers when being pulled over was that she was late for a client meeting. I'm sorry Ms. Cisneros, but you're a mortage broker. Unless the person you are running late to meet is in need of the human heart that you have in a cooler in your trunk...it's just not that important. Seriously...is the house going somewhere? Are you financing mobile homes?

So what is the reason for collecting so many tickets and thinking nothing of it? She threw them away. She actually believed that nothing could happen to her if she didn't pay them. Kind of like the same way that if you don't pay your mortage nothing can happen to you?

Sure, that's scary, but not as scary as this: she faces some $11,000 in fines and could have her license suspended. Could??? That's like saying to a pedophile that he may not be able to hang out at schools anymore. Let me tell you, I would rather share the roads with alzheimers patients then I would this woman. At least they don't know where they're going so they're in no hurry to get there.

Originally Posted on Myspace

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Mel Gibson: Only Human

At 2:36am on Friday evening, actor and spokesman for Catholics everywhere, Mel Gibson was pulled over in Malibu for driving his Lexus 87 mph in a 45 mph zone. This pales in comparison to his blood-alcohol level which was 0.12 percent. The legal limit, of course, is 0.08 percent.

" I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are dispicable."

Sheriff officials declined to discuss what Giibson said, but thanks to a leak in the department, here is a portion of the official transcript of the traffic stop:

Officer

Good evening Mr. Gibson. Sir, do you know why I stopped you this evening?

Mel

You just saw Bird on a Wire on TBS and you're pissed?

Officer

Actually, I pulled you over because you were speeding.

Mel

I was drinking too....I mean, not while I was driving, but before I got into my car...wait a minute...that badge ain't real. You ain't real...

Officer

Sir, that's a real badge. I'm a real cop. And this is a real fucking gun. Now, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car.

We hear Mel fumble around trying to get out of his car. The music is muffled, but it is evident that he is listening to "Down Under" by Men At Work.

Officer

Seriously....Men at Work? I mean, c'mon man. I know you're from Austraila, but...

Mel

Let me stop you right there officer big balls...before you say anything else that might stop you from getting into heaven.

Officer

Let me get this straight sir, did you just damn me to hell?

Mel

No....you did that yourself by pulling over the 13th disciple.

Officer

Ok, I'm going to have to ask you to walk this line...

Mel

I don't see any line...

Officer

Well, it isn't a real line...it's an imaginary line...like the ones you'll see in front of the theaters when Apocolypto opens.

Mel

Whateva..it's my first movie after The Passion...everyone will see it.

Officer

You couldn't pay me to see it!

At this point we hear Mel impersonating The 3 Stooges. A faint Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk followed by a slap and what sounds like the officer being poked in the eye.

Mel

Now it looks like you won't be seeing anything for quite a while...

At this point the reaminder of the recording becomes inaudible.

In a statement issued by his publicist, Mr. Gibson apologized for what he said were "despicable" statements:

"Not since Beyond Thunderdome has this much disgrace been brought upon my family. I apologize for my actions last night...and for putting Tina Turner in that movie. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and although those Jager Bombs were the shit, I profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I will take my punishment like a man...even if it means forcing me to make a sequel to What Women Want."

Well Mr. Gibson, I'll tell you what women want...you....off the road you drunk bastard. That is all.

Originally Posted on Myspace

Saturday, July 29, 2006

And the home...of the...

Dixie Chicks. I think that is what Natalie Maines would prefer be sung in our national anthem. This way, she would actually care about the country in which she lives. Yes, she is at it again...and this time she even made me squirm a little. However, before I rip into her I need to give you a brief overview on my take on the Dixie Chicks (I just thought this would be a nice July 4th commentary. This is as political as I get folks).

I never liked the Dixie Chicks....until Natalie Maines came out and spoke her mind against our president. I didn't really think that what she said, "We're embarrassed that the president is from Texas," was hurtful, thought-provoking or even well thought out. In fact, it was just an opinion and I was glad to see some country music star say something outside of their normal realm of thinking and shake things up. This was HUGE for that genre of music. That would be like Eminem saying that he would no longer use the word "f***" in his rhymes. On a side note, I don't know how he gets so many words to rhyme with f***, but that's another blog entirely. Anyway, after Natalie said these comments, I immediately forgot that I didn't like them and went out and bought their music. What I heard was a song about some girls killing an abusive husband instead of letting the law take care of it all. Yes, millions of fans would sing in melodic adoration "Earl had to diiiiieeeee," but they burned those cd's once Natalie Maines expressed her political opinions. To those burners and haters I say...you're all morons (that includes you Toby Keith...your Angry American marketing thing...it's really getting old). Only in the south would people think that you "burn" cd's with real fire.

Anyway, now fast forward to the present. Natalie Maines was just quoted again (she really has to stop talking) saying:
"The whole country may disagree with me, but I don't understand the necessity for patriotism. Why do you have to be a patriot? About what? This land is your land? Why? You can like where you live and like your life, but as for loving the whole country...I don't see why people care about patriotism."

Ok, so this is just another marketing ploy by the Dixie Chicks and that's fine. It is pretty much in line with her earlier comments about W being from Texas. She has now made it clear that she loves Texas, but not the country. All of the American cities that her tour will go to and all of the money that she makes there to line her fat assed pockets with...she hates those cities. New York? You don't need anyone to help you after a terrorist attack. New Orleans? fix the levees yourselves bitches. I'll just look after mine and my own. Nice attitude Natalie.

Oh, and one more thing that bugs me that has nothing to do with the Dixie Chicks...in Superman Returns Perry White says, "Find out if he still stands for truth, justice...all of that stuff." So now it's not even politically correct to say "truth, justice and the American way?" Weak.

I am against the war and against us having such a heavy police presence throughout the world. But hey, together we took this land from the Native Americans so we need to work together again to make sure it doesn't fall back into the hands of another member of the Bush family. Oh, it's also up to us to keep Natalie silent.

Originally posted on Myspace

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Superman Returns...and so do the Prize Whores

Originally posted on Myspace

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Last night, the most anticipated movie of the summer flew into Austin to debut at the Regal Gateway 16...and it brought the Carnies along with it. With a history that goes back to 1994 and a budget greater than that of Titanic's, Bryan Singer's "Superman Returns" was worth the wait and the inflated budget. I know what you're thinking. "CJ, I saw Superman 3. How could it possibly get any better than Richard Pryor flying right along side the Man of Steel?" Well, trust me and the appeased prize whores that camped out all day long for a free movie...it was.

Knowing what a huge movie it would be, and because I am a geek in every sense of the word, I wisely arrived at the theater around 5:30pm for a 7:30pm start. I turned the corner to find the hallway at Gateway lined with people in lawn chairs and the unmistakeable scent of popcorn and B.O. These people had been there since 3pm...for a free movie...3pm. Regardless, I took my place in line with some friends of mine and waited amongst the unemployed. We were able to be seated in the theater early since we had a pregnant woman with us. They are so choice...if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. Anyway, the movie doesn't start until close to 8pm so naturally the natives got a little restless. After a little smack talk from some jackass on our row (no, it wasn't me) the movie I've been waiting for since 1980 began.

Superman Returns picks up immediately where Superman II (1980) left off. Superman has been flying around in search of his home planet of Krypton because astronomers said that they believed they had found it. Well...astronomers also gave Nancy and Ronald Regan a lot of advice and we all know how well that went. So, after an unsuccessful five years of flying around, Superman returns to Metropolis to reclaim his old job at the Daily Planet and win back Lois Lane who now has a son and a fiance. Once again proving that he is not from this world, Superman thinks that Lois would wait five years for him. Come on Sup...sure you can fly, but you can't stop a woman's biological clock. Shortly after his arrival he once again has to save the world from the perfectly evil Lex Luther.

All of this sounds like something you've seen before, but trust me, it doesn't unfold like at all. I could not take my eyes off the screen. I haven't been this enamored by a film in years. Every scene was just pure joy to watch. The special effects were sharper than anything I have ever seen, the direction pitch perfect and the acting was compelling. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luther is the most inspired casting decision since Brendan Fraser was cast as Link in Encino Man. Ok, bad example, but Spacey could earn yet another Oscar nomination. Brandon Routh as Superman was a perfect call. He looks just like Christopher Reeve and glides through the role with ease. Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane...well, I finally understand why Superman likes her. Margot Kidder was just a little too rough and raspy for me.

I don't want to give anymore away because to experience it with a fresh view is the only way. At any rate, Superman Returns to theaters and so will I... to see it a second time.

Ladies and Gentlemen...Your Next American Idol is...

Originally Posted on Myspace

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Paris Hilton?

"I have always had a voice and always known I could sing, but I was too shy to let it come out. I think that is the hardest thing you can do, to sing in front of people. When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most," Hilton said.

That's right, the Queen of Hotels and BJ's has planned to release an album with a mix of reggae, pop an hip-hop tunes. Her first single will be entitled "Stars are Blind." Let's hope they're deaf as well.

Seriously, this has to be the worst idea in the history of music. Sure, pop stars are just glamorized whores anyway, but this woman does not need another platform from which to annoy us.

Paris said that she wrote seven of the songs on the album. A leaked copy of her cd lists the tracks as follows:

1. Stars are Blind
2. That's Hot
3. Nicole's Hole
4. Whore is a State of Mind
5. Dirrrty (Notice the 3 R's...that's 1 more than Christina)
6. I Turn My Camera On (a cover of the popular Spoon Song)
7. Housekeepers are People Too...Just Don't Touch Them

This has to be the most anticipated album...ever. Everything Paris Hilton touches turns to gold...or wood (yes, that was a double entendre). Just think of the videos and marketing opportunities that will go along with this: Limited Edition Scratch and Sniff CD covers, Paris Hilton earplugs, videos shot entirely in night vision that would pay tribute to our troops....

I don't know who to blame for this monstrosity...the record label, Americans as a whole, her dad's broken condom...fact is, it really doesn't matter it. Paris is coming (again, another double entendre)...get ready.

Text messaging...the poor man's email

Originally Posted on Myspace

Thursday, May 25, 2006

"just wanted 2 say hi"

That was the sentence fragment of a text message I received last night....at midnight.

Seriously....is it just me or has text messaging gotten out of control? I never respond to them anymore. Well, I shouldn't say never. I responded last night because I thought it was one of "those" texts, but no...it was just one of those annoying "I want to say hi without actually having to hear your voice or give you 3 minutes of my time."

At first, people replaced their land line phones with their cell phones. Other than the fact that reception always sucks no matter where I live, I don't have a problem with that. What I do have a problem with, is that now people that only use computers for email are replacing their computers with text messaging. I am even getting forwards now. Like I need to be sitting in a meeting and receive a text messaging saying "You've just been tagged. Pass this along to other people that you want to piss off...."

The worst is when I'm talking with someone and they get a text message that they respond to while I'm still talking to them. I always think it's important so I ask "Is everything ok?" "Oh yeah, just trying to find out where HH is tonight." Oh, HH is an abbreviation for Happy Hour. Too long to type out in text messaging.

I know I'm in the minority on this, but I just find it useless. If you want to say hi or check in with me, just give me a call. I mean, you'll more than likely get my voicemail and I may or may not call you back, but at least you're not pissing me off.

The Real O.C.

Originally posted on Myspace

Friday, May 19, 2006

So this is my first out of town blog posting and I must admit...feeling a little gay. Sitting here in Huntington Beach in front of a computer. Seriously, Shouldn't I be out somewhere spending money, tanning, waxing, and making others feel insecure about themselves? Not at all...those are all stereotypes that are personified on television.

Ok, so you've seen The O.C on television, but I find the people out here to be nothing like that at all. Oh, sure, people here have money, emotionless faces, plastic bodies and think that Starbuck's is a charitable organization. However, unlike the lies that are spread on the popular Fox program, I have not yet gone to rehab or been punched in the face by an angry outsider. Oh, and no one has been shot either.

In fact, the people here are very kind. While on the streets they continue to hand me money and spare change. Maybe my Old Navy jeans have caused them to mistake me for a homeless person. Whatever the case, I'll take their money.

Also, it smells pretty damn nice here. Salt water and money....I swear the meeting of those two scents is like the perfect storm. Of course I miss the smell of construction...

There's Insane...

Originally posted on Myspace

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

..and then there's David Blaine. Pushing one's strength and endurance to the limits is nothing new for man. Marthons, Mountain Climbing, being forced to sit through Kate Hudson movies...these are all things that don't kill us and therefore make us stronger. Last night, however, we saw buffoonery in the making.

David Blaine trained with Navy Seals, lost 50 pounds and spent 177 hours underwater in an attempt to attain the world's record for holding one's breath. The record was and still is set at 8 minutes 58 seconds. Blaine came up short at 7 minutes 8 seconds.

What's the lesson to be learned here? Never try? No, that's not it. The lesson, simply put, is that Blaine is not all there and we reward his mental illness in the same way we rewarded Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O...by giving them air time and turning them into stars.

Some of his other achievements are: being buried alive for a week, being frozen in a block of ice for 61 hours, balancing on a 22 inch platform on top of a 100 foot pole and fasting for 44 hours over the Thames River in London.

Considering I'm claustrophobic, get cold at 50 degrees, don't even have enough balance to pass a field sobriety test and can't go more than several hours without food these feats are impressive. They're also painful to watch, but then again...so are Kate Hudson movies.

Vince Young needs a muzzle

Originally posted on Myspace

Monday, May 01, 2006

With great power comes great responsibility. Well, if money is power then Vince Young has great responsibilty....the responsibility to be quiet. The recently drafted Tennesee Titan may not yet know exactly how much money he is going to be making, but suffice to say it'll be enough to buy homes for both his and Reggie Bush's families. Money aside, the Titans still haven't decided to do with Steve McNair. Will McNair start or is he just there to finish out his days playing Mr. Miyagi to Young's Danielson?

Referring to the Titan's season opener against the Houston Texans, Vince Young was quoted as saying "I am happy to have the opportunity to come back and beat up on the Texans." Sure, that's kind of like saying "I'm looking forward to getting home so I can kick my dog," but hey, who doesn't admire smack talk from a 21 year old kid who hasn't even inked a deal yet?

With these kind of words coming out of his mouth already how much fun will it be to see him give press conferences after he's taken a few NFL hits? 21 and impressionable...thank God he's in Tennessee where he can't get into too much trouble. Just think of what would have happened in Oakland or Minnesota? I can only imagine him on the stripper cruise...who needs the Wonderlic at that point? Up to your elbows in bling and strippers...

Does Vince feel slighted by not being drafted by his own home town? It would appear so. And if Vince gets the start against Houston this Fall the Texans had better watch out. Just ask Kansas...You don't want to make Vince Young angry...you won't like him when he's angry.

Next In Line

Originally Posted on Myspace

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The phrase " I can help the next in line" is commonly used amongst those in the service industry when a new line is opened to relief an overwhelmed checker, ticket taker, etc. What this does is allows customers to have a speedier, more pleasant, experience. What this also does is it distinguishes the educated from the non-educated.

Not everyone has had the benefit of higher education and for some, the first grade was a long time ago. So, I offer this review on vocabulary and common courtesy.

Courtesy (n) 1. Polite behavior. 2. A polite gesture.

If you are in line at the movies, a convenient store, a grocery store, etc. and you hear someone shout "I can help the next in line," the first thing you should do is check to see if there is only one person in front of you .

One (n) 1. Being a single entity, unit, object or living being.

If this is the case, then guess what genius? You are the next in line.

Next (adj) 1. Nearest in space or position;adjacent. 2. Immediately following, as in time, order, or sequence.

I am baffled that this concept is so hard for some people to grasp. I'm standing there in line struggling with a handful of items because I errounesly forgot a basket. I hear "I can help the next in line." I remember the first grade, notice that there is only one person in front of me so at this point I recognize that I am the next in line. I turn around to see 3 people behind me run to the checker. I'm sorry...did I miss something? Unless all 3 of those people have diarrehea or heavy flow there is no reason that they should cut in front of me.

Now, if there is one thing that holding a voters registration card has taught me it is this: my vote doesn't matter and I shouldn't complain without having a solution. Ok, it's taught me two things. Anyway, this is what I am proposing. A challenge if you will. Apparently standing in line for 20 minutes behind an 80 year old woman with coupons, food stamps and a price check on beets doesn't earn you the right to be "next in line." One has to earn that right.

Since the concept of "Next in Line" is basically comprehended by first graders, we should resort to first grade tactics to make it more fun and appealing. I suggest that instead of yelling "I can help the next in line" those in the service industry should yell "Red Rover, Red Rover let the next in line come over." At this point, those in line should all link arms, making a game of it. If the next in line has the physical strength and agililty to make it through the linked arms to the recently opened checker without breaking their eggs or crushing their bread, then he/she have earned the right to be the next one assisted.

We can either do this or just practice common courtesy. See above.

Why men hate weddings

Originally Posted on Myspace

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Man's hatred of weddings is easily explained actually...they're gay. Not that the ceremony itself is gay or that the meaning/symbolism behind it all is gay or that the wedding planner is gay....well, the wedding planner might be gay, but that's beside the point. The gayness to which I am referring is the whole fashion show theatrics of it all.

From the toenail polish that matches the hair clip that matches the pink flower on the grooms lapel...nothing is left to chance. Seriously.....the bride and groom go through months of visiting churches, photographers, florists, hairstylists, bridal shops, tuxedo shops...and for what? So that after the reception you can have someone say "The meat was little tough." or "The crab poofs weren't very poofy." or "If I ever hear that f***ing 'Brick House' song again it'll be too soon..."

You see, women plan these things knowing full well that they night as well call their wedding day "Judgement Day." Because that is what all of the women do, and we the men, have to suffer through it. "I can't believe she chose those bridesmaid dresses." "The cake is so dry it's like eating out of a litter box..."

It boils down to the bride wanting to have everyone they know see them during the happiest moment of their life. On the flip side, no one gets to see the groom during the happiest moment of his life. Obviously, I'm referring to the limo ride from the church to the reception. Well, I guess I shouldn't say no one gets to see the groom at his happiest....I mean, there is a driver.

Beer Farts...

Originally posted on Myspace

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Everybody has them, not everybody talks about them. You know exactly what I'm talking about too. Those farts that are unbearable! You get in the shower in the morning and unknowingly let one go....mistake! That thing will linger around longer than Michael Jackson at Build-A-Bear. Then you remember...."Oh, yeah...I drank too much beer last night."

And the weird thing is, the better the beer, the worse they smell. Chances are, if you drink Natural Light or Bud Light your farts will smell like water. Drink something with some bite to it (Guinness, Fat Tire,et.) and you had better carry some Febreeze around with you for your pants and car seat.

I don't know what causes this phenomeon. Maybe it's the same phenomenon that causes asparagus to stink up your pee. Or the same phenomenon that makes all farts the day after Thanksgiving smell like turkey. I don't know.

Now I know what you're thinking...why is he writing about beer farts?Simple answer really...I've had them all day.

It's Official...I Have "0" Friends

Originally Posted on Myspace

Monday, April 03, 2006

So I finally joined My Space and now I have "0" friends. Fantastic. This is what I signed up for? Now I have to ask people to be my friend and they can actually say no! Kind of like the 3rd Grade. Thank God this process is done over the internet because I couldn't imagine it happening person to person:

"Hi. I don't know you, but I'm a friend of Rob's and he said that I should ask you to be my friend. What's that? What do you mean no? Well, f*** you then. I don't need you play shuffleboard with me...."

See, it just wouldn't work. I do find it odd though that the minute I sign up for My Space I have "0" friends. It's not like I all of a sudden took up using heroin. Why have all of my friends abandoned me? No matter...I will make all new friends. Seriously, who would I rather talk to? My good friend Shannon that I've known since the 1st grade OR Vince Vaughn? Sorry Shannon, but until you are important enough to have paparazzi follow you around I really don't have that much to say to you.

I am now able to make all new friends with actors, musicians, politicians and many other people who have personal assistants reply to their emails and post blog comments for them.

So you see, it's not that I have "0" friends. I'm just waiting for Jessica Biel to email me back...

things 2009 Taught Me

Let me begin by saying that I hate learning so this is a hard note to write.Like most years, 2009 came and went very quickly. If you're anything like me, you're too busy to actually stop and make note of the life lessons that you're being taught every single day.That being said, here is a list of things that 2009 taught me, albeit against my will.These observations are in no particular order and some may offend (I aim to appall).

In 2009 I learned that:

Michael Jackson was, in fact, still alive.

The sitcom is, in fact, still alive (Modern Family!!).

If you drink enough Crown Royal it will serve as a cologne the next morning.

30+ days of 110 degree temperatures, and no rain, will drive a man to watch "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra."

Megan Fox CAN'T act, and I still don't care.

Mariah Carey CAN act, and I still don't care.

America couldn't get enough balloon coverage...but enough about "Keeping Up With the Kardashian's..."

Despite their Sun Bowl win, Oklahoma still sucks.

We have come along way as a country since the 1960's...praise be to God!

Ugly people can sing (I'm looking in your direction Susan Boyle).

Pretty people can't sing (I'm looking in your direction Taylor Swift).

Nobody puts baby in a corner, yet they can put you in a coffin (RIP Patrick).

Fox News still isn't Fair or Balanced.

To date, Tiger Woods has played at least 8 holes.

White people crash the White House, black people get elected.

Oprah is quitting, and I still don't care.

By the time time the 7th Harry Potter movie is released in 2011 it will have to be renamed "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Medicare."

Christian Bale's rant on the set of Terminator: Salvation was actually better than Terminator: Salvation.

David Letterman is getting laid and I'm not.

Facebook updates are just as annoying as they were in 2008 and will be in 2010. I still don't give a shit what you had for lunch.

Sarah Palin can write.

Jay-Z rivaled KISS for the best concert I saw in 2009.

Lady Caca defies all logic.

Kate Gosselin will get half of Jon's hair plugs in the divorce.

A show about a high school Glee club is actually good...praise be to Jane Lynch!

My friends and family are there for me no matter what. I love you all and Happy New Year!!!