Michael Jackson: A Tribute (or as close as I can come to honoring someone)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson: A Tribute (or as close as I can come to honoring someone) You would think that writing a tribute on the King of Pop would be as easy as A-B-C, 1-2-3, but it isn't. Sure, I will touch on some wonderful memories and accomplishments, but I will also touch on the fact that he touched little boys so let this be your warning. Stop reading now if the only Michael you want to remember is the black Michael. I remember as a child idolizing MJ. My father is a huge Motown/R&B guy so my sisters and I were raised on the Jackson 5 and afterwards the solo careers of Michael, Janet and, yes, even Tito. I followed LaToya's Playboy career, but that was without the guidance of my father. I remember my dad driving us around town in our 1978 VW Van and playing Off the Wall. With my dad it was Michael, with my mom it was opera so you know I'm well rounded. Off the Wall was fun, but I was 8 and too young to get into any Discos (where it was being spun continuously) so I was screwed. I had to enjoy it for what it was. Thriller came out when I was in 5th grade (yeah, I'm old what of it?) and it influenced me in many ways. I didn't sport a glove or anything, but I did grab my crotch a lot. Ok, that didn't have as much to do with Michael Jackson as much as it did with me being in 5th grade, but you get the point. That album made me pay attention to music. I cared about the whole phenomenon as did my friends. I will never forget sitting in class reading the album liner notes/lyrics when my teacher came over to me, took the album sleeve out of my hands and proceeded to rip it up in front of the entire class. I was doing something wrong and I never felt more cool. No one could believe what had just happened and I loved it. I wore out that album and then the cassette after that. The man had Vincent Price, Eddie Van Halen and Paul McCartney all on one album! How could you not wear it out? Michael Jackson didn't change any musical stylings, but he changed music through his innovative and, mostly strange, music videos. He made MTV and for that all of you Hills fans should be eternally grateful. I challenge you to imagine music videos without the thumb print Michael left on them. Thriller? Black or White? Without the "story line" video concept Lady CaCa's Paparazzi video would cease to exist. Not sure if that's a blessing or a curse... Regardless, if you ask anyone my age they will all say the same thing: The Thriller video on MTV was appointment viewing. MTV would have a countdown and would let you know exactly when the next airing would take place. It scared the shit out of me, but I watched it every time it came on. Then IT happened. 1993. The same network that Michael Jackson made gave him a platform to defend himself against Evan Chandler's child molestation accusations. MJ went on air to discuss in detail about how grueling it was trying to fight these allegations. He talked about having his genitals photographed and how humiliating it was. I myself was just amazed that he even had genitals with all of those notes that he was able to hit. The charges were later dropped, but since he settled with the Chandler family for $22 million in a civil suit, things didn't look good for the King of Pop and this began his downfall. On a more personal note, the Chandler family can suck it. As someone who was molested I can honestly say that I wish I had been molested by Michael Jackson instead of the apartment dwelling shit head that took my childhood. At least the cat had animals and carnival rides. Plus, I would have $22 million to put towards therapy. After these accusations things would never be the same: Neverland Ranch, Bubbles the monkey, the Elephant Man's remains, the Jesus Juice, the sleepovers, screwing Paul McCartney out of The Beatles royalties, dangling babies over balconies, naming them Blanket, covering them up in public, the whole Vitiligo thing...everything was under scrutiny and rightfully so. Speaking of vitiligo, if it really don't matter if you're black or white then why did he try so hard to become white? You can see why it is so hard to honor a man who so desperately tried to sabotage himself at every corner. "Accuse me once, shame on...shame on you. Accuse me....can't get accused again." All of his idiosyncrasies aside, I will always remember the Michael Jackson as the artist that brought a lot of joy into my life through his music. May my karaoke version of The Way You Make Me Feel bring joy to the crowds that hear it and also to the ears of the King of Pop himself. RIP you PYT.

I Don't Do "And By The Way's..."

Friday, June 19, 2009

I don't do "and by the way's..." News flash: I'm not perfect. It's true. I have issues. Many, actually. That being said, I must be a magnet for girls with baggage (issues). My dating life is like one big curbside check-in. When left to date on my own accord I find women that carry more baggage than they do estrogen. Seriously, these girls should be spending their free time on "a" couch, it just shouldn't be mine... Issues always come out, but I feel that the big ones should be revealed at the very beginning so that you know whether you want to continue spending emotion, time and money. It is through dating that I have found out I don't deal with "oh, and by the way's..." Example: "Oh, and by the way, I have a kid." Another example: "And by the way, I'm a Republican." When I've told the following story to my friends every one of them (both male and female) have all had the same response: " You can't make that shit up....seriously, you can't write things like that!" Well, I'm going to try. This is a true story. To protect the innocent No name will EVER be dropped so don't even ask. As I am a functioning alcoholic, I like to drink close to my house so I recently was at the Draught Haus (Draft House, Draft Horse, who cares) on Medical Pkwy. If you've ever been there you know that this is not place that you go to pick up girls. It's a neighborhood pub with a lot of familiar faces. I ran into an old friend of mine and when we were done catching up he wanted my number to stay in touch. I started to give him my number and then turned to a girl that was sitting within ear shot and said "You can put this in your phone too..." I should have run away then. How do I know that ? Because she laughed and that line actually worked. We talked and later that evening she had my number in her phone and I had hers in mine. The proper amount of time passed and I called her. We went out a few times, but it was casual. Since she lived out in Cedar Park we'd meet up somewhere, grab drinks and usually end up back at my place. I had yet to see her place. Well, we were out drinking and she is referring to her place and she says "we." I stop her mid-sentence and say "We? Do you have a roommate?" "Oh, I didn't tell you?" "Tell me what," I say. "I live with my ex-husband." OH, AND BY THE WAY...I LIVE WITH MY EX HUSBAND. Now, being 36 and single I'm willing to, and have, put up with a lot of shit in a dating relationship. This just wasn't something I was willing to deal with. I slowly start backing out of this thing by not texting, calling or seeing her. Fast forward a few weeks to my trip to Seattle. I'm on the boat to Bainbridge with my friends when all of a sudden I get a voicemail from her: "CJ, it's (name not provided). I'm in the hospital. Something to do with my eating disorder. Call me when you have a minute." OH, AND BY THE WAY...I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Since I have had friends with eating disorders I have a real soft spot for this affliction. I couldn't not call her back. So, I called her, we caught up and decided that when I got back to Austin we'd go to the Morrissey concert. I had already bought us tickets before I knew she was living with her ex so I figured what the hell. She shows up at my place, we go the concert and then end up back at my place. We are on my couch messing around (sorry for that visual) when her phone rings. She doesn't answer. It rings again. She doesn't answer. Third time's a charm and she answers. She talks. She hangs up. I say "who was that?" She turns to me and says " Did I tell you my license is suspended?" AND BY THE WAY...MY LICENSE IS SUSPENDED. "Uh, no....how'd you get to my place earlier this evening?" "My ex-husband. That was him on the phone. He's here to pick me up." AND BY THE WAY... She leaves and I laugh out out loud and say "F that...." AND BY THE WAY...I'M OUT! And that's why I should not be left to date on my own accord. I hope you enjoyed that story as much as I enjoyed living it.

New Roommate

Thursday, June 18, 2009

New Roommate I'm not a huge roommate type of guy. Although I don't need much of it, I need AND like my space. I have had roommates over the years and they have all had a few things in common: they have all moved in because I was helping them out of a jam and (with the exception of my fiance from years ago) they have all had penises. That's not a prerequisite, that's just how it's been. I have a guest bedroom that is never used so it really doesn't put me out at all. This weekend I am once again helping out a friend who is in need of a place to crash for a bit. However, this time I'm dealing with menstruation...not men. Yes, a female friend of mine will be blessed enough to move into my guest room and find out how much of an idiot I truly am. Like getting a lap dance after months of no action, this will require some major adjusting on my part. Immediately I began taking inventory of my bachelor lifestyle and realized that a few things are going to have to change. I mean, there are things that she just might not understand or accept. So, here they are...the 10 things that I can no longer do while my I have a female living in my guest bedroom: 1. Masturbate in the guest bedroom. 2. Play Wii bowling naked. 3. Move my bowels with the bathroom door open. 4. Masturbate in the kitchen. 5. Come home drunk at 2 in the morning , Jack in the Box in hand, and pass out watching Gossip Girl at full volume. (ok, maybe I can still do that). 6. Come home drunk at 2 in the morning, Jack in the Box in hand, and relief myself on the front porch. 7. Fart along in synch with Miles Davis' masterpiece "Kind of Blue." 8. Watch "So You Think You Can Dance" while brushing up on my Air Sex routine for the Alamo Drafthouse competition. 9. Manscape in the living room. Come to think of it, I shouldn't be doing that anyway... roommate or no roommate. and... 10. Laugh out loud to Skinemax classics such as "Playmate of the Apes," Spiderbabe" and "The Witches of Breastwick." I hope that I make it through this difficult time. It won't be easy, but with your prayers and support I think I can do it.

Algebra, Quantum Physics and The MTV Movie Award: Three things I'll never understand

Monday, June 01, 2009

Algebra, Quantum Physics and The MTV Movie Award: Three things I'll never understand Anyone that has met me knows that without pop culture references (be they movie, music or television) I am physically unable to carry on a conversation. I shut down quicker than a restaurant that goes in next to the Hula Hut. I'm sorry, but I HAVE to know what is going on in the world. It is for that reason that I subjected myself to the 2009 MTV Movie Awards last night. This morning people were like "What a tragedy..." and I'm like "I know!!! How did Twilight win Best picture?!?!?" To which they responded "Uh, I was talking about the Air France flight that disappeared...what are you 12?" I should have known better. If Lady CaCa, I mean Lady GaGa, had common sense enough to stay away then I should have as well. It was just sad, so let's break it down: Andy Samberg proved that he is at his best when his bits are pre taped. His Slumdog intro and song with Will Ferrell about movie explosions provided the only laughs in my opinion. Jim Carrey has never been less funny. The coat? The hair? the glasses? The awkward interruptions and acceptance speech? The internal monologue had potential until it turned political with a reference to Proposition 8. Jim, these viewers voted Twilight best picture and Ashley Tisdale won an award (based on her dress the next award she'll receive will be an AVN award). I hardly think that the MTV Movie Awards should be used as a political platform. Is this really the same guy that gave us Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber and Liar,Liar? Looks like we have Chevy Chase Part Deaux on our hands...sad. Eminem has never seemed more white nor has he ever been more irrelevant. "Who's got the rubbers? " Really? Well, it obviously isn't Mel Gibson so throw him a few would you please. Thank you. Anyone who thinks that Bruno putting his wang in Em's face was not scripted should go back and watch it again. The minute that Bruno was flying over him you could tell he was in on it and that he was acting. Pathetic. Same Old Song and Dance indeed. Now I love Miley Cyrus as much as the next pedophile, but...wow. When she said "I'm on a boat" someone should have said "No, Miley, you're on a stage...at least for the next 15 minutes. Enjoy." Kings of Leon. Sorry, but you just suck out loud and your music will be irrelevant after you tour this album. I'm letting this bandwagon pass me by. Kiefer Sutherland...well, you just scare me. Kristen Stewart. You are a big star now. In fact, when you go to google and type the letters K-R-I-S your name pulls up...fucking dress like it. I wrote about you after "Into the Wild" and said that you'd be a huge star. You've achieved that now don't be an asshole. Rob Pattinson. The only reason I hate you is because, well, you're Rob Pattinson. I'm not going to lie, I did take delight in seeing an Oscar winner sing "Dick in a Box," but incorporating Leann Rimes and Chris Isaak just seemed tired on the producers part. Why not get Rihanna and Chris Brown to do the duet instead? The WTF award? Really? Is it still funny to drop the F Bomb when you know it's going to be bleeped out anyway? Hayden Panettiere had to have been embarrassed to deliver that expletive laced bit. Like we're supposed to be shocked? How were we supposed to respond? "I can't believe she said that! That's soooo funny!" The producers wanted us to believe that she can rap/rhyme/dis? Yeah, she's street. I don't know...I guess my main problem with the show was that it seemed like the Director's Cut of the Kid's Choice Awards to me. It was geared towards 13 year olds yet had swearing, partial nudity and an unfunny bit with a guy repeatedly saying "Suck my golden popcorn dick!" Not funny. However, any awards show that had Zac Efron winning an award for acting had to have involved some sucking...

I Know I Don't Have Kids...

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I know I don't have kids.... well, I can't say that unequivocally, I mean I am extremely virile, but I'm pretty sure that I don't. That aside, it doesn't take a genius to realize that traveling side shows like Sesame Street Live, The Circus, Celine Dion, etc. know exactly what they're doing when it comes to getting parents to shell out money for pure crap. I had the privilege of taking my niece and nephew to The Harlem Globetrotters at The Erwin Center this evening. Like any good uncle would do, we started the evening off at Scholz Beer Garden for some pre-game festivities. To my surprise, it turns out that not a lot of people go drinking at Scholz before a Globetrotters game. Now, I'm sorry, but you can't blame me for needing to get rid of the pre-game jitters. We were playing the Generals for fucks sake! Nerve racking.... Anyway, after a healthy dinner of fried everything and Miller Lite we made our way over to the game. We are not even in the building yet and I hear: "Will you buy me a basketball?" I pretend that I'm hard of hearing which leads to a second more pointed question: "Will you buy me a basketball?" Now, as I mentioned in the subject line, I don't have kids, but I do know that to a 7 year old that maybe means yes so I very wisely say "we'll see." We finally make it inside and the promoters (who obviously have earned a special room in hell) have strategically set up the merchandise stand right inside the door. Now I have just spent the last 8 minutes trying to detour these impressionable little minds away from the fact that they don't need a basketball and the first thing they see when they walk in is a table full of merchandise for a team that is basically the Carrot Top of basketball teams. No disrespect to the Globetrotters, but I have yet to see a professional team of any sort use popcorn as a prop. Well, except for T.O. who obviously is praying that the NFL will soon develop football's answer to the Harlem Globetrotters. I only bring up popcorn because after successfully avoiding the merchandise table like drivers avoid making eye contact with panhandlers at red lights we are staring straight at a Kettle Corn stand. Since they didn't have popcorn at Scholz's, naturally the kids have to have it. I oblige them and we continue on. We make our way to our seats which are on the 2nd row. Now if you've ever been to a Globetrotters game you know that the 2nd row is is the same as the "splash zone" at Sea World. These are amazing seats. Too bad the little ones don't realize this. They immediately are bombarded with cotton candy, soft drinks, basketballs, trinkets and many other items that make me glad I get to hand them back over to their mother at the end of the evening. I have to comment on something here...why is it that as adults we have "last call" at least a half an hour till closing, but the Erwin Center has no problem pushing Cotton Candy onto children with :07 seconds left in the game? What good could possible come of that? These "pushers" get to go home and fall asleep while the parents of these future diabetics get to go home and try to peel their children off the ceiling. Anyway, the game commences and all the while I am playing the best defense of my life. "Will you buy me a basketball? Will you buy me a basketball?" To which I respond "You're white...what are you going to do with a basketball?" "Well, mine's flat!" "Are they selling air pumps, because I'll gladly buy you one of those. I mean, maybe I'll get you something less expensive" First mistake...saying maybe. So, my nephew was fortunate enough to go onto the court during one of the time out contests and they give him a Globetrotters wristband. I video the moment and when he gets back to his seat I say "cool buddy! Let me see..." to which he responds "will you buy me a basketball?" I swear, if I had hair I would have ripped it out. So I go through the whole "you got a wristband, had dinner, had popcorn, had Sprite, had cotton candy, had great seats, had water thrown on you, etc." speech, but he wasn't buying it. Long story short, I was able to make it out without buying him a basketball. Chalk up a victory for the Globetrotters, parent and uncles everywhere.

"Hancock" is Racist

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Hancock is Racist... Yeah, you read the subject line correctly. The new superhero movie "Hancock," which Will Smith has said will be the biggest film of his career, is racist. I enjoyed the movie well enough. Will Smith is one of those performers that's just so effin' charming that almost anything he's in appears better than it actually is. There is a rated R cut circulating out there in California which I would very much like to see. It was a dark movie with a lot of violence and Will Smith even drops the F-Bomb. Take that fuck face Jazzy Jeff. Back to the subject line at hand. Racism...Now before you go saying "CJ, you are the most politically incorrect cracker I know" please take the following into account...I am white and therefore oppressed and easily offended. "Hancock" is only 92 minutes long, yet it still manages to fit in the following top notch racist ideas and thoughts: 1. John Hancock is an alcoholic superhero that at one point in the movie passes out on a bus bench. There is a drunk black guy that lives in my neighborhood that passes out on benches too, but he can't fly. He attracts flies, but he can't fly. Hancock isn't the only alcoholic superhero, I mean Ironman/Tony Stark likes the sauce too. However, if you are white and have a drinking problem you go home to a mansion. If you're black and have a drinking problem you wake up surronded by strangers staring at you or in your trailer. 2. Hancock goes to prison. Seriously, was this needed? They give us a black superhero and then send him to jail? That's as racist as having a Mexican superhero whose power lies in his sombrero. Actually that's a movie I'd see... Anyway, many superheros deserve to go to prison for some of the shitty movies they are in,(Fantastic Four, I'm looking in your direction...) but I can't think of one white superhero that has gone to prison. So apparently the man can even keep a superhero down. The following is a spoiler, but still very racist: 3. Hancock loses his powers when he gets too close to a white woman. Yes, Charlize Theron is a superhero as well. If you were wondering why there wasn't much of the plot revealed in the trailer that's why. It turns out that these superheros never age and have a romantic past together, but he can't remember. When the two get too close to one another Hancock loses his powers. He has to get far away from this woman in order to remain strong. Segregation at it's finest...keeping the black man away from white women. How messed up is that?!?!? There's some other racist things in the movie as well, but one deals with a French kid and that's the kind of racism that brings the world together in perfect harmony...

Stay Away from "The Happening

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Stay away from "The Happening" My normal rule of thumb is: see any and all movies starring Mark Wahlberg. Why? Well, Forrest Gump could have summed it up by saying "Life is like a Mark Wahlberg movie...you never know what you're gonna get." On one hand there's The Departed Mark Wahlberg then on the other hand there's the Planet of the Apes Mark Wahlberg. Unfortunately, The Happening falls more into the Fear category than it does the Boogie Nights category. But, is Sir Marky Mark entirely to blame? The answer is quite simply...yes. However, out of fear that Mr. Wahlberg may some how run across this blog and kick my ass, I'm placing the blame squarely on M. Night Shyamalan's shoulders. M. Night has constructed a bigger disaster than God just did in Iowa. What, too soon? Anyway, M. Night has always been a very smarmy director and with good reason...he is a great talent. However, he doesn't take criticism well. He knows he has made a piece of shit and he is trying to cover up the stench with the fragrance of years past. The tagline for this movie is: "We've Sensed it. We've seen The Signs. Now...It's Happening." He needs to stop reminding us that he made a few good movies. We get it. Woody Allen puts out a piece of shit every year , but you don't see him reminding us that he made Annie Hall. The only difference between these two directors is that M. Night has much bigger budgets with lousier actors so the risk that the studios take on his projects is greater. He needs to take a note from the Woody Allen playbook and stop putting himself in his movies. However, he was one of the better actors in this film. Where to begin with the review of this film? Let's start with the unintentional laughter that the audience had. That's right...unintentional. The acting and dialogue was that hideous. It should have been billed as a comedy instead of M. Night's first rated R feature. Let's just say that the Master Pancake boys need to get a hold of this film as quickly as possible. It should be mocked pronto. Let's move onto the unintelligible storyline. Mark Wahlberg is your average Joe teacher who one minute is talking to his class about the disappearance of the honey bees and the next minute is saving the world (east coast) from whatever. Oh, the relationship with his wife also sucks so they get to work that out in 90 minutes as well. Things happen, people kill themselves...Is it nature? Is it chemical? Does anyone care? I certainly don't. I would review this movie further, but I actually walked out after an hour. Yeah, I walked out of The Happening, but I sat through Jumper...are you starting to understand how bad this movie is now? The Alamo Drafthouse had last call an half an hour into the movie. I don't believe it's because they wanted to be efficient. I believe it's because they knew people would want to leave. If you go don't say I didn't warn you.

Sex In My Bathroom

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Sex in my Bathroom I can hear the question now..."CJ, what took you so long to post another one of your infamous (more than famous) blogs?" Well, there's a simple answer actually...inspiration. You see, I could write a blog everyday, but they would go something like this: Today I woke up, had some coffee, took a shit, rolled into work, spent the day replacing money that I already had on the books, came home, took another shit (I'm very regular) went out, had some drinks then passed out. Not very exciting is it? So it is with great excitement that I am able to write again. I never would have thought that sex in my bathroom would cure my writer's block (did I have writer's block or was I on strike?), but sure as hell it's gone now. I now hear the next question..."CJ when did you have sex in your bathroom with someone other than yourself?" Well, there's a simple answer actually...it wasn't me that had sex in my bathroom. No, it was a friend of mine (who's name I will not reveal to protect the innocent) and his girlfriend, whom he had just introduced me to. The evening started off pretty typically. I caught a cab to meet them for dinner. Yes, I cab it to dinner because my dinner usually consists of Vodka. Don't judge me. Anyway, we start our dinner and are informed by the waiter that it is trivia night and we need to partake. I felt that with my good looks and their brains that we stood a pretty good chance of winning so naturally we stay. Now, you may not know this, but "staying" is synonymous with "drinking" in "Geoffroy's Dictionary." The night continues on and we continue to stay (drink). The time eventually comes for us to call it a night and they volunteer to drive me home. What I didn't know is that they'd be driving each other home shortly thereafter... We get back to my place and continue drinking on the porch. Hey, I live in Hyde Park...no one drinks inside. A little more time passes and she announces that she has to go to bathroom. "Where is your bathroom" she asks. I tell her it's down the hallway, 5th door on the right. If you've been to my place you know that's funny. However, being the chivalrous gentleman that he is, says "I'll show you." I wait outside. I have no concept of time so it took me a while to realize that they hadn't come out of the bathroom yet, much less made their way back to the porch. I don't know how to end this blog other than to say that when they emerged back outside they announced that they were now engaged and that they had violated my bathroom. Now I know what you're thinking..."Uh....what?" But, before you pass judgement, I think it's romantic. I mean, who hasn't dreamed of being proposed to in the place where I trim my privates and drop the kids off at the pool? You stay classy Hyde Park.

Kanye West Finally Graduates

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Kanye West Finally Graduates "And Nielsen Soundscan scores it 957,000 albums sold to 692,000 albums sold…Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Heavy Weight Champion of the rap world….Kanye West." It was no accident that Kanye West chose to release his third CD, Graduation, on September 11th going up against 50 Cent's Curtis. In fact he moved the release date up a week to go head-to-head with the Eminem prodigy. In what was a highly publicized war of words, (50 said that he would retire if Kanye beat him in sales), Kanye West outsold 50 by almost 300,000 units and established himself as the top selling rap artist. The only question that remains is "does he deserve it?" Kanye's strength has never been his vocals. In fact, on tracks "I Wonder" and "Can't Tell Me Nothing" they're downright embarrassing. Public Enemy's Chuck D still holds the title as greatest Rap vocalist of all time, but there is a reason that Jay-Z and Eminem are the top acts in Rap music…the voice matters. TuPac was able to use his voice to make us understand what his life growing up was like, what it was like to have a crack mama and even what it was like to sleep with Biggie's wife. Kanye West just doesn't grab or excite his listeners with his voice. However, there is no doubt that Kanye can produce. On top of producing his own album he recently produced the best tracks on Common's latest CD. The man knows music and he proves it on many of Graduation's tracks. "Champion," "Good Life," and Flashing Lights" are stand outs that are sure to be downloaded and played on many boats next summer on Lake Travis' Devil's Cove. Lyrically he still has a lot of growing to do. I mean, it's not that lyrics like "Let's get lost tonight/ You could be my black Kate Moss tonight/ Play secretary on the boss tonight" aren't beautiful and inspired. Rhyming tonight with tonight? Brilliant Kanye. It's just that, well to be relevant, those lyrics should have gone something like this: "Let's get coked up tonight/ You could be my black Kate Moss tonight/ Papparazzi's bulbs flash bright tonight." On first listen of Graduation you think it's a masterpiece. That is because the music is that strong. Once you listen to it a few more times you realize it's a very good album, but that Kanye West has really only graduated out of high school and still needs some higher education.

Fred Claus

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Fred Claus Based on the trailer, and Vince Vaughn's fondness for motorboating, one might assume that Fred Claus is a Bad Santa rip off. However, outside of guest starring on Sesame Street, this family flick is the closet thing Vince Vaughn will ever come to G-Rated. I am a huge fan of everything Christmas. The music, the food, the giving, the receiving and, yes, even the movies. However, for every Elf or Christmas Vacation there is a Deck the Halls and The Santa Clause 3 so naturally I walked into this movie wanting the best, but expecting the worst. On paper, the thought of Vince Vaughn playing Santa's (Paul Giamatti) bitter older brother seemed like comedic gold, but on screen it doesn't translate quite as well. Fred Claus is basically a story of a family dynamics and quarrels that just so happen to revolve around the question "what if this happened in Santa's family?" Wouldn't that be funny? Well yes and no. That's not to say that this movie doesn't have its moments of hilarity, because director David Dobkin (The Wedding Crashers) wisely lets Vaughn have his moments of rapid fire monologue. Fred Claus, like many siblings, has lived his entire life trying to live up to the perfect example his younger brother, Nicholas, has set. Fred means well, but with a mother like Mother Claus (played with annoying perfection by Kathy Bates) he'll never be the son his parents wish they had. As a child, Fred is pushed to the brink emotionally and decides to be naughty as opposed to nice. As an adult, Fred is pushed to the brink financially and decides that he would like to make money by opening a gambling establishment. Problem is, he's $50,000 short of what he needs to jump on this opportunity. Having been in this predicament before I know exactly why Fred turns to family for cash…it's harder for them to say no. I mean, they know where you live and they will nag you every day until you repay them, but at least there's no interest. Anyway, It turns out that Santa is no push over and requires that Fred earns the money by helping him in his workshop in the North Pole. This leads for some lavish sets and costumes that are sure to be forgotten come Oscar time, but they're still visually stunning. Kevin Spacey shows up in full villain mode as the man who tries to shut Santa down. Does Fred ruin Christmas? Does Fred save Christmas? Does Fred make amends with his family and learn valuable lessons about life and love? It's a PG-Rated Christmas movie so you figure it out. I actually highly suggest seeing this movie to help get you in the holiday spirit. I saw this movie on a preview in which half of the audience was children and, trust me, they loved it. Anytime I can sit through a kid's movie, and still be entertained, I consider it a win. The cast is likeable enough, and it's kind of fun to see 2 Oscar nominees, 3 Oscar winners and seasoned comedic actors like John Michael Higgins in a holiday film. It's no White Christmas, but it's no Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas either and that's a gift we can all be happy with.

Enchanted

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Enchanted I am not going to lie. I am a huge Disney fan. In fact, having me write a review of Disney's new movie, Enchanted, is so biased that it's like having Bush write a State of the Union address on the Iraq war. Well, except I use nouns, verbs and adjectives in my writing. That being said, you now know where I am coming from when I say that this is the best live action Disney movie since Mary Poppins. That sound you hear is thousands of Old Yeller fans yelling at their monitors. The dog died, you cried (making you question your own manhood) so you had to convince yourself that it was the most amazing movie ever. Watch it again. It's not. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella…none of these classic Disney titles are too sacred to poke a little fun at in this modern-day romance that mixes animation with live-action. Enchanted begins in animated form and tells the story of Giselle (the adorable Amy Adams) who, for no apparent reason, lives in a forest with wooded animals waiting for "True Love's Kiss" from her prince charming. As fate, an every animated Disney movie ever made, would have it, she doesn't have to wait long until Prince Edward (James Marsden) takes a break from hunting trolls long enough to hunt down Giselle once he hears her singing in the forest to her furry, rodent friends. The two sing a duet and are immediately in love and destined to be married…the very next day. I have no idea how many times Amy Adams had to listen to The Little Mermaid soundtrack to get her voice so perfect, but it is spot on. For those of you that haven't seen Junebug or Cruel Intentions 2 I suggest you rent one of those to see what an amazing talent she is. I'll let you choose which one to rent, but as a rule the number 2 is usually after a title for a reason. Fearing that Giselle only wants to marry Prince Edward to take over the throne, Queen Narissa (Susan Sarandon) throws her into a well that casts her out of her perfect animated world into a horrible, cold and evil world where people actually have to date before falling in love and marrying…a place called Manhattan. It is here in modern-day New York that Giselle meets the most McDreamy divorce lawyer ever, Robert (played by the recently reliable Patrick Dempsey) when she is climbing a casino billboard in the rain because it has a picture of a castle on it and she is desperate to go home. Robert is a discouraging realist (when it comes to happily ever afters) that is raising a little girl on his own and is about to become engaged to his girlfriend. Now the formula of a bitter, divorce lawyer who is about to become engaged is as trite as the "I have one day until retirement" cop we've all seen a hundred times before, but that doesn't make it any less enjoyable. Being a prince, Edward throws himself into the same well in order to rescue Giselle and bring her back home. He runs all over New York to find his princess, but this is the real world so he never really stands a chance going up against McDreamy. I don't want to give any more of this charming movie away so I'll just say that it will hands down win an Oscar…for original songs. Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz have done it again and, if you see this movie, I dare you to try not humming either "That's How you Know" or "True Love's Kiss" after leaving the theater. Enchanted is a rare movie experience and one that I can't wait to experience again.

Into the Wild

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Into the Wild I'd like to start by saying that I am in no way, shape or form an outdoors person. I enjoy the necessities that my pay checks allow me to afford (couch, television, remote) and I feel no reason to go slumming, sorry…camping, in order to become one with nature. I enjoy rivers and lakes as much as anyone, but I prefer to float in them (preferably with an ice cold beer) as opposed to canoeing in them for miles. One of the necessities that I enjoy is film. Many people consider it a luxury, but for me it is a necessity. As ignorant as I may sound by writing the following words, I am not a huge fan of reading. I mean, I read, but it's usually yellow words at the bottom of a movie screen. So now that I've established I'm an indoor person, I didn't think that I would be able to relate to or enjoy Sean Penn's masterpiece Into the Wild. Into the Wild is the true story of Christopher McCandless, a young man who graduated college at the top of his class only to trade society's ideal life of a 9 to 5 job for a life that would take him on adventures that most only read about in books (except me, I don't read). After giving his entire life savings away to charity, McCandless leaves his parents and sister behind as he hitchhikes to Alaska to live off of the land. Along the way, he receives a real life education from all of the characters he comes into contact with. His adventures have him working at Burger King (although he burns all of his identification so I'm not really sure how they hired him legally), working for a shady, lovable character played by non other than Vince Vaughn, cavorting with hippies, becoming the object of affection for young Tracy played by Kristen Stewart (Hollywood I'll give you a minute to go get a pen and write her name down….) and most importantly forming a beautiful friendship with old widower Ron Franz. Hal Holbrook will bring you to tears as Franz, a role that I'm sure Peter O'Toole would have loved, but he has that whole English accent thing going on. Sean Penn takes McCandless' childhood, his cross country journey, his struggle for survival once he reaches Alaska and beautifully weaves all of these encounters together without any regard for a timeline. The end result is a gorgeous, thinking man's movie that entertains and stimulates. We actually feel every emotion that McCandless is going through. When he and his sister (played by Jena Malone, who at 23 years old is a 16 year veteran in Hollywood that has yet to be given her dues) endure their parents drunken, emotional and physical arguments we feel their pain. When McCandless is helpless in the wilderness, we feel how destitute, hungry and lonely he is. Sean Penn captures both Surburbia and the wilderness all the while getting some of the year's best performances out of his actors. He truly is an actor's director. However, with that being said, why in the name of Jeff Spicoli would Sean Penn find it necessary for Emile Hirsch to mug for the camera while eating an apple? He looks right at the camera, smiles and then takes a bite as if to say "Just in case you forgot, you're watching a movie." Very unnecessary and distracting. Without taking anything away from the rest of the cast because it is strong across the board, this film could easily see three Oscar nods for acting: Emile Hirsch (Best Actor), Katherine Keener (Best Supporting Actress) and Hal Holbrook (Best Supporting Actor) all should hear their names called in January when nominations are announced. Emile Hirsch embodies McCandless in a manner I haven't seen on film in some time. His physical transformation was impressive, but is not something that hasn't been done before by his peers. See Christian Bale in The Machinist. His mental and emotional transformations, however, are what the little gold statues were made for. This weekend I suggest getting your butt off of your mountain bike and placing it in a seat inside a dark movie theater that is showing Into the Wild. You won't regret it.

John Rambo

Friday, October 26, 2007

John Rambo John Rambo AKA: Rambo: To Hell and Back Ok, so I've only seen 3 minutes and 21 seconds of footage, but I can't seem to get enough of what is sure to be the worst movie of 2008. Sylvester Stallone wrote and directed this latest attempt of him trying to remind the world that at one time in his life he was actually relevant. It's as sad as Al Bundy reminding everyone that at one point he threw 4 touchdowns in one game for Polk High. Now I know what you're thinking "How did the man that wrote Staying Alive, Rhinestone, Cobra and Over the Top create anything less than stellar?" Although I haven't seen the movie, it's being released by Lionsgate Films on January 25th, there are several trailers of this movie that are floating around online and they are brutal. Just 2 trailers in and yet I feel as if I have seen the entire movie, hence…my review: It has been 20 years since Rambo took on the entire country of Afghanistan. In that time the Taliban has reformed and no one can find Osama Bin Laden. Come to think of it, it's hard to find John Rambo as he has retreated to northern Thailand (similar to retiring in Florida) where he's running a longboat on the Salween River. Now pay attention class, here is where geography and history mesh together in perfect harmony with aging movie stars on steroids. On the nearby Thai-Burma (Myanmar) border, the world's longest-running civil war, the Burmese-Karen conflict, rages into its 60th year. But Rambo, who lives a solitary, simple life playing online chess for hours has become a peaceful man who no longer fights even as nearby villages are being threatened by mercenaries and rebels. He just no longer cares and quite honestly that makes sense. I mean the guy had to at one time blow a stick out of his stomach with gun powder. However, his peaceful existence changes when a group of human rights missionaries seek John Rambo's help. Rambo takes them as far as Burma, but refuses to join them. Why? The following film dialogue should sum that up for you: John Rambo Burma is a war zone. Stupid Do-Gooder It's more like genocide. John Rambo You bring any weapons? Stupid Do-Gooder Of course not. John Rambo You ain't changing nothing. The missionaries don't return and no one is helping to locate them. It is at this point that Rambo tells himself "You know what you are, what you're made of. War is in your blood." He knows what he must do...and so do you. You must go to your local theater on January 25th, 2008 and pay $9 to see Rambo: To Hell and Back. If you don't then the terrorists have truly won. This movie is rated R for strong graphic bloody violence, sexual assaults, grisly images and language. The trailers contain, in no particular order: Rambo chopping a guy's head off Rambo preventing a rape by ripping a guy's throat out Rambo shooting a man until he ends up a bloody mess of pulp Rambo disemboweling a man Rambo pouring gasoline over a body and setting it on fire Rambo shooting a man in the back of the head Rambo shooting one bullet through 2 men Rambo shooting a man with an arrow Rambo head butting a guy An arm being chopped off A snake fight A shrunken head on a stick And, spoiler alert: A lot of explosions. Why so much violence? I believe John Rambo said it best when he said: "When you're pushed…killing's as easy as breathing."

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows SPOILER

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows SPOILER Ok, so if you have a "Voldemort for President" bumper sticker on your car you obviously are getting chicks. But more importantly, if you have one of these stickers then you do not want to read the following spoiler. The final book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, will be released on July 21 with the movie coming in 2010. Well, since I don't read, I know that I'll be unable to go 3 years without hearing who dies and how the story of the world's greatest wizard wraps up. Even if I did read...700 pages? I mean, come on...That being said, when I heard that a world famous hacker had reportedly gotten a hold of the last book, immediately I thought, "Cliff notes!!" The following is the hacker's post: Dear my brothers, Voldemort killed Hermione. Yes, that's true. And we knew that 2 days ago. This is the end of the not yet published (someone could call that 0day) book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows . At the end of the story Hagrid was killed by Snape in the attempt of ambush Hermione and Ron. Ron and Hermione flees in privet drive but Voldermort, surprising them, engaged a magical duel with Ron and Hermione. Voldemort attacked trough the imperius curse and Hermione, to protect the life of Ron fight hardly for more than 6 pages and then finally die. (boring, very boring... it's always the same story!) Then, to make a long story short, Harry came up, killed all the bad guys and Hogwarts against became a good place to stay and have fun. Ah, i missed one important information about Draco Malfoy, he started to create Horcrux (for fun and profit!). The end This information could be true or it could be false. Either way...I feel there's a 50/50 chance that it could go either way. One thing that leads me to believe it's legite is the writing skills of the hacker...they're horrible. He's obviously the type of guy that could take our country to Defcon 4 with his hacking skills, but his writing skills leave much to be desired. And if this is really how it all ends I am questioning J.K. Rowlings writing skills as well. First off, there's the issue of killing off Hermione. So much for being a strong woman J.K. Just go ahead an kill off the smart, strong and beautiful heroine. Why not Ron? I mean, come on...it's not like the Weasley's would miss him. Plus, they're poor. It would be a good thing. I just hate to see Hermione go. At first, Hermione was one of my least favorite characters, but she has slowly become one of my favorites. Maybe it's because she gets hotter with each movie. Regardless she deserves to live. Secondly, I have no problem with Hagrid dying. I n fact, I'm quite looking forward to seeing how Snape takes him down. I imagine it will be with a tranquilizer gun. Then, when he's down, Snape kills him and turns him into a throw rug. You know, like a big bear rug. I can see Snape sitting there in front of the fire, listening to Marilyn Manson, reading spell books all the while resting his feet on Hagrids huge, furry head. What? Too gruesome for a children's book? Well, then someone should tell all of the adults to stop reading this shit and then maybe they'll be written for kids. Thirdly, Harry kills all of the bad guys. I have no problem with that either. Good guys deserve to win. Although in real life good guys finish last and always get dicked over. If this were real life Harry would probably become Voldemort's bitch, but this isn't real life...it's freakin' wizards. So, just like Harry Callahan in Dirty Harry, Potter will take out the trash. "Now I know what you're thinking Voldemort. Do I have one or two wands up my sleeve? Well you have to ask yourself one question: do you feel lucky punk? Well, do you?" All in all, if this is a true spoiler, knowing how it all ends isn't the worst thing in the world. No, the worst thing in the world will be lining up at the inevitable Harry Potter Conventions to get these actors autographs now that their movie careers are over.

Austin Wino's Association

Friday, June 15, 2007

Austin Winos Association There are many questions in the the world that cannot be answered: How can bars legally get away with selling booze to Lindsay Lohan? Why did they make a Fantastic Four sequel and more unsettling, why did I see it? And why am I a magnet for Hobos? Some of you may recall my run in with the character "Shortbread the Black Panther." That was on my front porch. That was understandable. I mean, I'm on my porch in Hyde Park after dark and some wannabe rapper, black panther drinking an Olde E. in a brown paper bag approaches me looking for his catfish. Seriously though, that is to be expected in a neighborhood where the homes sell for $400,000. You get what you pay for. Last Tuesday, however, was a completely different scenario. All I wanted to do was have a drink or 12 at Molotov and catch up with my good friend Jenny whom I hadn't seen in 8 years (thank you Myspace) when once again my hobo magnet caught the attention of a character called David. He didn't give us a catchy nickname like Shortbread, so we'll have to assume that David was his real name. Although I still don't believe that his hair was real. Let me describe. You know those novelty baseball hats with attached long hair that hangs out of the back? He may have invented those. So there we were drinking, discussing and reminising about our Sam Houston State days (actually, that could explain my current unemployed status) when David started to talk to us from the street. "You guys have a cigarette?" Oddly enough, I didn't. But, even if I had...he's on the street, we're in the bar. Why was he even addressing us? It all seemed very strange...Anyway, I told him that I in fact did NOT have a cigarette, but that there were plenty of people on the street that might. It was at this point that someone should have gotten David an Imodium A-D because he came down with explosive diarrhea of the mouth. "Do you guys know what AWA stands for?" For some reason, Jenny did. "Austin Winos Association?" "That's right," David said. "I may be the only original member left. One guy got hit by a car and the other.." (shit, neither Jenny or I remember what happened to the other one.) David then proceeds to tell us of his Dallas days. Not the Dallas we all know and hate mind you, but the seedy side of Dallas. A side of Dallas where crack could be exchanged for pills and vice versa. David ran this side of town like Tony Montana ran Miami. Impossible you say? Not according to David. " I slept on the rooftop above this building that held AA meetings. They tried to get me to come, but soon they gave up. I kept hanging outside the building and pretty soon they were giving me money to buy booze." Now I don't want to get all preachy and soapboxey, but I hate enablers. Seriously, what did these dry drunks think he was needing money for? To save up to patent the cure for cancer? Oh wait, I know...they thought the baseball hat with attached hair thing was really going to take off. Anyway, we continued to shoo David off like an annoying gnat, but I'll never forget the fourth or fifth time he came to the window and said to us, "You all remind me of my family. I love you..." Great, so now I'm unemployed AND the brother of the one and only homeless member left of the Austin Winos Association. Next time I go to Molotov I'm sitting on the roof...

ACL Festival: It's The Most Wonderful Time, Of The Year

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

ACL Festival: It's The Most Wonderful Time, of the Year Good evening everybody...Finally, the ACL lineup is here and I'm more excited than a voyeur at Devil's Cove. You may not agree with all of my picks, but I'm giving them to you anyway...3 months early. Day 1: For those of you who know me and have run into me at the festival you know that my day actually day begins after my first Tito's Vodka and Sweet Leaf Tea, but festival begins when I hear my first song. This year I begin with with Peter Bjorn and John at 1:30. I have heard that their live show is not all that, but they are responsible for the single most catchy whistling tune since the Andy Griffith theme song. It has to be worth it for that alone. 2:30 poses a problem, but only for those who have not seen Pete Yorn live. He is an amazing singer/songwriter, but a complete bore of a performer. Bela Fleck will provide a much more festival atmosphere, but it may be too early to really enjoy them the way that they deserve to be enjoyed...unless you have help from my friend Tito. For music see Pete, for party see Bela. 3:30 is a no brainer (and that's coming from me). If you have not given the Heartless Bastards a listen, then you are doing yourself a major disservice. They are AMAZING and they should have a much better time slot than Friday at 3:30. Just remember, it was only a few years ago that The Killers played on Friday at 4:30. This year at 4:30 we have Joss Stone. Crowded House is great, but they are old and could possible die of heat exhaustion...wow, that is a tough call, but I'll be at Joss. 5:30 brings us to LCD Soundsystem. Don't miss them. At 6:30 you have Queens of the Stone Age vs Spoon. Go see Spoon...even Sharon Osbourne hates QOTSA. Their 15 minutes is up. Gotan Project at 7:30 will seriously be one of the festivals highlights. Check out their website, sample their music and then join me in the dance circle. The Killers vs Bjork is really the toughest call of the day. Well, not really. Brandon Flowers or a woman who dressed as a swan at the Academy Awards. Tough call, but my money is on the swan. Day 2: For those of you that don't listen to much local music here is a quick rundown of musts: Ghostland Observatory, Spoon, Clap Clap and at 12:30 on Saturday, Sound Team. Most people will be over at Augustana, but I've found that most people are idiots. Augustana sounds like ever other whiny 94.7 band that is hell bent on playing pussy music in an attempt to get chicks before they hit their 30's. Go see Sound Team. I'm not really sold on the 1:30 hour yet. Raul Malo is muy malo and Dax Riggs isn't grabbing me. This may be a good time to hit Barton Springs. 2:30, Stephen Marley or Paulo Nutini? Well, Paulo is AMAZING...but he and Amy WInehouse are touring this Fall so I assume that we'll see them again. The Marley family has never let me down though. Tough call...Go see Midlake at 4:00. I saw them follow the Flaming Lips during SXSW at Fox and Hound 2 years ago and they were great! No one should have to follow the Lips, yet this little band from Denton did just that and they deserve huge success. In case you're not sick of them on the radio yet, you have Blue October at 4:30...I knew a long time ago when I saw them at Carlos and Charlies that they'd be huge stars. I just didn't know that they'd be big enough for me to be sick of them. Amy WInehouse at 5:30...catch this Rehab novelty act before she drinks herself to death. 6:30 give us the most exciting live show on the road right now in Muse. Don't even think about missing them. I thought about trying to pick up chicks at the Indigo Girls show at 7:30, but then decided to hit the Arcade Fire instead. I'll leave early to go to the White Stripes because Jack is the most exciting artist in music today. Period. Day 3: I can't believe that I think I'll be coherent enough to attend a 12:30 show, but Yo La Tengo...I have never seen them and couldn't be more excited. Just classic. Ben Kweller at 2:30...unfortunately he's remembered for sticking a tampon up his bloody nose last year, but his music is amazing and should stand on its own...the memory of the blood soaked guitar is pretty cool though. Totally chilled out is DeVotchKa at 3:30. They are such a rich sound. Oh, they did music for a movie called Little Miss Sunshine. Maybe you've seen it. Bloc Party at 4:30...yeah, they're here every year and that's because you haven't seen them yet. Give them the respect they deserve...you won't be sorry. 5:30 is Regina Spektor. I really don't have to say much more than that. Wilco at 6:30 up against My Morning Jacket...I say Wilco, but only because Jeff Tweedy is right behind Jack White for most exciting musician title. Ghostland Observatory at 7:45...yes, I'll be seeing them tomorrow night at Emos, but I'll also be at the AT&T Blueroom stage on September 16th. At 8:30 you have a guy called Bob. I hear he's good...