New Roommate

Thursday, June 18, 2009

New Roommate I'm not a huge roommate type of guy. Although I don't need much of it, I need AND like my space. I have had roommates over the years and they have all had a few things in common: they have all moved in because I was helping them out of a jam and (with the exception of my fiance from years ago) they have all had penises. That's not a prerequisite, that's just how it's been. I have a guest bedroom that is never used so it really doesn't put me out at all. This weekend I am once again helping out a friend who is in need of a place to crash for a bit. However, this time I'm dealing with menstruation...not men. Yes, a female friend of mine will be blessed enough to move into my guest room and find out how much of an idiot I truly am. Like getting a lap dance after months of no action, this will require some major adjusting on my part. Immediately I began taking inventory of my bachelor lifestyle and realized that a few things are going to have to change. I mean, there are things that she just might not understand or accept. So, here they are...the 10 things that I can no longer do while my I have a female living in my guest bedroom: 1. Masturbate in the guest bedroom. 2. Play Wii bowling naked. 3. Move my bowels with the bathroom door open. 4. Masturbate in the kitchen. 5. Come home drunk at 2 in the morning , Jack in the Box in hand, and pass out watching Gossip Girl at full volume. (ok, maybe I can still do that). 6. Come home drunk at 2 in the morning, Jack in the Box in hand, and relief myself on the front porch. 7. Fart along in synch with Miles Davis' masterpiece "Kind of Blue." 8. Watch "So You Think You Can Dance" while brushing up on my Air Sex routine for the Alamo Drafthouse competition. 9. Manscape in the living room. Come to think of it, I shouldn't be doing that anyway... roommate or no roommate. and... 10. Laugh out loud to Skinemax classics such as "Playmate of the Apes," Spiderbabe" and "The Witches of Breastwick." I hope that I make it through this difficult time. It won't be easy, but with your prayers and support I think I can do it.