I Know I Don't Have Kids...

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I know I don't have kids.... well, I can't say that unequivocally, I mean I am extremely virile, but I'm pretty sure that I don't. That aside, it doesn't take a genius to realize that traveling side shows like Sesame Street Live, The Circus, Celine Dion, etc. know exactly what they're doing when it comes to getting parents to shell out money for pure crap. I had the privilege of taking my niece and nephew to The Harlem Globetrotters at The Erwin Center this evening. Like any good uncle would do, we started the evening off at Scholz Beer Garden for some pre-game festivities. To my surprise, it turns out that not a lot of people go drinking at Scholz before a Globetrotters game. Now, I'm sorry, but you can't blame me for needing to get rid of the pre-game jitters. We were playing the Generals for fucks sake! Nerve racking.... Anyway, after a healthy dinner of fried everything and Miller Lite we made our way over to the game. We are not even in the building yet and I hear: "Will you buy me a basketball?" I pretend that I'm hard of hearing which leads to a second more pointed question: "Will you buy me a basketball?" Now, as I mentioned in the subject line, I don't have kids, but I do know that to a 7 year old that maybe means yes so I very wisely say "we'll see." We finally make it inside and the promoters (who obviously have earned a special room in hell) have strategically set up the merchandise stand right inside the door. Now I have just spent the last 8 minutes trying to detour these impressionable little minds away from the fact that they don't need a basketball and the first thing they see when they walk in is a table full of merchandise for a team that is basically the Carrot Top of basketball teams. No disrespect to the Globetrotters, but I have yet to see a professional team of any sort use popcorn as a prop. Well, except for T.O. who obviously is praying that the NFL will soon develop football's answer to the Harlem Globetrotters. I only bring up popcorn because after successfully avoiding the merchandise table like drivers avoid making eye contact with panhandlers at red lights we are staring straight at a Kettle Corn stand. Since they didn't have popcorn at Scholz's, naturally the kids have to have it. I oblige them and we continue on. We make our way to our seats which are on the 2nd row. Now if you've ever been to a Globetrotters game you know that the 2nd row is is the same as the "splash zone" at Sea World. These are amazing seats. Too bad the little ones don't realize this. They immediately are bombarded with cotton candy, soft drinks, basketballs, trinkets and many other items that make me glad I get to hand them back over to their mother at the end of the evening. I have to comment on something here...why is it that as adults we have "last call" at least a half an hour till closing, but the Erwin Center has no problem pushing Cotton Candy onto children with :07 seconds left in the game? What good could possible come of that? These "pushers" get to go home and fall asleep while the parents of these future diabetics get to go home and try to peel their children off the ceiling. Anyway, the game commences and all the while I am playing the best defense of my life. "Will you buy me a basketball? Will you buy me a basketball?" To which I respond "You're white...what are you going to do with a basketball?" "Well, mine's flat!" "Are they selling air pumps, because I'll gladly buy you one of those. I mean, maybe I'll get you something less expensive" First mistake...saying maybe. So, my nephew was fortunate enough to go onto the court during one of the time out contests and they give him a Globetrotters wristband. I video the moment and when he gets back to his seat I say "cool buddy! Let me see..." to which he responds "will you buy me a basketball?" I swear, if I had hair I would have ripped it out. So I go through the whole "you got a wristband, had dinner, had popcorn, had Sprite, had cotton candy, had great seats, had water thrown on you, etc." speech, but he wasn't buying it. Long story short, I was able to make it out without buying him a basketball. Chalk up a victory for the Globetrotters, parent and uncles everywhere.