I Don't Do "And By The Way's..."

Friday, June 19, 2009

I don't do "and by the way's..." News flash: I'm not perfect. It's true. I have issues. Many, actually. That being said, I must be a magnet for girls with baggage (issues). My dating life is like one big curbside check-in. When left to date on my own accord I find women that carry more baggage than they do estrogen. Seriously, these girls should be spending their free time on "a" couch, it just shouldn't be mine... Issues always come out, but I feel that the big ones should be revealed at the very beginning so that you know whether you want to continue spending emotion, time and money. It is through dating that I have found out I don't deal with "oh, and by the way's..." Example: "Oh, and by the way, I have a kid." Another example: "And by the way, I'm a Republican." When I've told the following story to my friends every one of them (both male and female) have all had the same response: " You can't make that shit up....seriously, you can't write things like that!" Well, I'm going to try. This is a true story. To protect the innocent No name will EVER be dropped so don't even ask. As I am a functioning alcoholic, I like to drink close to my house so I recently was at the Draught Haus (Draft House, Draft Horse, who cares) on Medical Pkwy. If you've ever been there you know that this is not place that you go to pick up girls. It's a neighborhood pub with a lot of familiar faces. I ran into an old friend of mine and when we were done catching up he wanted my number to stay in touch. I started to give him my number and then turned to a girl that was sitting within ear shot and said "You can put this in your phone too..." I should have run away then. How do I know that ? Because she laughed and that line actually worked. We talked and later that evening she had my number in her phone and I had hers in mine. The proper amount of time passed and I called her. We went out a few times, but it was casual. Since she lived out in Cedar Park we'd meet up somewhere, grab drinks and usually end up back at my place. I had yet to see her place. Well, we were out drinking and she is referring to her place and she says "we." I stop her mid-sentence and say "We? Do you have a roommate?" "Oh, I didn't tell you?" "Tell me what," I say. "I live with my ex-husband." OH, AND BY THE WAY...I LIVE WITH MY EX HUSBAND. Now, being 36 and single I'm willing to, and have, put up with a lot of shit in a dating relationship. This just wasn't something I was willing to deal with. I slowly start backing out of this thing by not texting, calling or seeing her. Fast forward a few weeks to my trip to Seattle. I'm on the boat to Bainbridge with my friends when all of a sudden I get a voicemail from her: "CJ, it's (name not provided). I'm in the hospital. Something to do with my eating disorder. Call me when you have a minute." OH, AND BY THE WAY...I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Since I have had friends with eating disorders I have a real soft spot for this affliction. I couldn't not call her back. So, I called her, we caught up and decided that when I got back to Austin we'd go to the Morrissey concert. I had already bought us tickets before I knew she was living with her ex so I figured what the hell. She shows up at my place, we go the concert and then end up back at my place. We are on my couch messing around (sorry for that visual) when her phone rings. She doesn't answer. It rings again. She doesn't answer. Third time's a charm and she answers. She talks. She hangs up. I say "who was that?" She turns to me and says " Did I tell you my license is suspended?" AND BY THE WAY...MY LICENSE IS SUSPENDED. "Uh, no....how'd you get to my place earlier this evening?" "My ex-husband. That was him on the phone. He's here to pick me up." AND BY THE WAY... She leaves and I laugh out out loud and say "F that...." AND BY THE WAY...I'M OUT! And that's why I should not be left to date on my own accord. I hope you enjoyed that story as much as I enjoyed living it.