Mel Gibson: Only Human

At 2:36am on Friday evening, actor and spokesman for Catholics everywhere, Mel Gibson was pulled over in Malibu for driving his Lexus 87 mph in a 45 mph zone. This pales in comparison to his blood-alcohol level which was 0.12 percent. The legal limit, of course, is 0.08 percent.

" I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are dispicable."

Sheriff officials declined to discuss what Giibson said, but thanks to a leak in the department, here is a portion of the official transcript of the traffic stop:

Officer

Good evening Mr. Gibson. Sir, do you know why I stopped you this evening?

Mel

You just saw Bird on a Wire on TBS and you're pissed?

Officer

Actually, I pulled you over because you were speeding.

Mel

I was drinking too....I mean, not while I was driving, but before I got into my car...wait a minute...that badge ain't real. You ain't real...

Officer

Sir, that's a real badge. I'm a real cop. And this is a real fucking gun. Now, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car.

We hear Mel fumble around trying to get out of his car. The music is muffled, but it is evident that he is listening to "Down Under" by Men At Work.

Officer

Seriously....Men at Work? I mean, c'mon man. I know you're from Austraila, but...

Mel

Let me stop you right there officer big balls...before you say anything else that might stop you from getting into heaven.

Officer

Let me get this straight sir, did you just damn me to hell?

Mel

No....you did that yourself by pulling over the 13th disciple.

Officer

Ok, I'm going to have to ask you to walk this line...

Mel

I don't see any line...

Officer

Well, it isn't a real line...it's an imaginary line...like the ones you'll see in front of the theaters when Apocolypto opens.

Mel

Whateva..it's my first movie after The Passion...everyone will see it.

Officer

You couldn't pay me to see it!

At this point we hear Mel impersonating The 3 Stooges. A faint Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk followed by a slap and what sounds like the officer being poked in the eye.

Mel

Now it looks like you won't be seeing anything for quite a while...

At this point the reaminder of the recording becomes inaudible.

In a statement issued by his publicist, Mr. Gibson apologized for what he said were "despicable" statements:

"Not since Beyond Thunderdome has this much disgrace been brought upon my family. I apologize for my actions last night...and for putting Tina Turner in that movie. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and although those Jager Bombs were the shit, I profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I will take my punishment like a man...even if it means forcing me to make a sequel to What Women Want."

Well Mr. Gibson, I'll tell you what women want...you....off the road you drunk bastard. That is all.

Originally Posted on Myspace

Saturday, July 29, 2006